Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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