I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
