Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
