Don't make out with my wife yet
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's blow job season.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
