U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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