I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
