Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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