Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
