Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
