They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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