You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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