I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
