I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
