mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
