I am in a vortex of obligation.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
