i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
and you fell through a lawn chair
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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