Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
