Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I would fuck him just for his dog
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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