I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
