I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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