if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
where are my eyebrows?
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