Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
