i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
