Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
