I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
