a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
