If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
