If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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