I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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