I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
