Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
