I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
How does one acquire holy water?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
