He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
