Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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