Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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