then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
