In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
