I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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