I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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