is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
