I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
