So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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