Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I cut my penus on the lid.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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