Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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