Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
