Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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