You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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