Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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