this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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