Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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