I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We had to coat check the pizza.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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