I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
