i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
