did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
