The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
